These last few months have kicked my ass.....
i sit here in my own little place and miss him... i miss us.
i keep telling myself it will get better and to keep myself busy, and yet at the end of the day i miss him.
since January i have tried everything to keep my mind off of him, i mean i even started working out!!!! i tried to stay away from town thinking my little prision would sheild me from the bad fall out. I have worked extra hours gone to bed early and met new people..
i come back to a feeling ive never had and i wish i had locked it up in a bottel..... its that amzing feeling of knowing they are there. good or bad you can curl up and know they will help make it ok.... that after a long day seeing them smiles makes it all worth it.its those butterflies or having your breath catch... that wanting nothing more then to see them happy.
i miss it, i miss us
if i could change one thing it would have been to listen. i am a bad listener i go 0 to 60 and think everyone can keep up. i am unsure until i am sure. i am always changing always learning, always trying. i feel bad that anytime he may have said something i would take it as something else, i am sad that it wasnt a romace where your life isnt complete without the other. im sad it was one sided
somehow everything i have ever gone through has never prepared me for this silence. this peace... or trying to be at peace, i have never sat and learned to be ok with myself unti now.
my prision is becoming a safe heaven, a place to call my own. not my dream just mine for now. its a place where i can sit and be me. i can spend time to ask myself the things ive never wanted to ask.
i am so excited to learn and grow, but i dont know if i will ever be able to be ok with whats happened and that i had to go through it alone. i am trying to be positive and know everything happens for a reason, and that maybe its beeter for them not being there or being my crutch and that i survivied and i did it alone........'
i may never be the same but a part of me will never change and its something worth fighting for
i will be ok, i always am... just need to keep learning.... and be around amazing people
