Denial

Denial (also called abnegation) is a defense mechanism postulated by Sigmund Freud, in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence

So since my last Mr. Wrong, I have thought OK i can move on i can do this... "i think i can, i think i can" Yet i can't i feel like i have been holding on to this hope that just maybe if i stayed and tried he would come around, he'd come back to me after he cleared his mind... maybe he just needed space.

Finally it hit me, he has no interest he isn't wanting to talk, he really wants me out and I'm sitting here like a sad puppy who has nothing better to do then wait around.

isn't the first step of recovery admitting you have a problem?
i have a problem, i have been in denial that mr. wrong and i are really done.
so the first step in my recover is to move out.

Pebbles my new roomie and i have been searching high and low to find a perfect little place, one that is safe has a little yard for my fluffy babies and most of all 2 bathrooms!
we looked at a few places before i announced "i cannot live in the ghetto... i don't know how"  we drove around and finally found something we thought we might love.... house hunting is worse then a job interview!

as i drove around thinking this is what i needed to do it hit me. Mr. Wrong and i are really done, he can date other women, no need to check in, can say or do whatever he wants... wow we're done.
i have been clinging onto what we had, the laughs we shared, the memories we made, how he makes my heart melt when he smiles, how he is the only person i know who will lay on the couch in his hockey gear or skate circles around the house, how he was the first person i respected enough to listen when he said i was wrong...

There is a part of me that wishes we had had a big fight or there was another girl... but we were too amazing for that... too easy going..
it leads me to this, i want more. I loved him like i have never loved. Don't i deserve to know what happen? don't i deserve to have someone love me the way i love them? I am admitting i have been in denial, not wanting to accept that we are really done. then i started looking at houses and realized my life is still there... its calling my name. it is time to get off the couch and move on maybe try something new. I have to start somewhere

my recover steps.
#1 find a place
#2 try something new (like a day with someone i never thought I'd long for)
#3 to love myself
#4 remember that the heartache I've felt will be worth it
#5 never stop fighting for what i deserve
#6 never give up
#7 more girls night
#8 never look back
#9 embrace the life i have been given
#10 admit what i need
#11 never doubt true love

life

I feel like we are always looking to someone else to make us happy or to find our home in this big world.
but what if maybe dating, relationships and friends make us realize who we are. what we want what we don't want.

so let me catch you up. i am the girl who gives 100%, the girl that your friends would say i want a girl who treats me like that. for the last few years i have gone to great lengths to make these guys happy, I'm talking about leaving my beautiful west coast and moving to new Mexico, putting up with these crazy families who had it out for me, who would take " i don't want to talk about our future' as a sign to keep trying?  i would find out he cheated and say oh really?' oh your not over you ex you still have her diamonds...OK just move them. then the most recent, well we moved in together after really dating for a big 7 days, it was beautiful steady, loving, fun, full of life and mostly never a dull moment. he was even so thoughtful that when my mom had surgery he went to the hospital with me...the first time he said "i love you" was on valentines day with two dozen red roses. i thought for sure he was the one. We had it all. How can you be so happy and have grown so much just to hear him say "i just don't know" oh great you don't know if you love me or not after over a year......

so now I'm sitting in his guest room asking myself was the change worth it? was thinking i had found Mr right worth everything i dealt with????

I've been sitting here thinking that as we grow up we learn certain things, how to act, when to smile, when to cry to get our way, and how if you ever want to make it you never take no for an answer. When is enough enough?

why cant it be easy, you met a person fall in love and its done??

so now i am taking a vow to not be in a relationship, I'm going to date. I'm going to find out what i want and what i don't want. that's harder then it sounds since i love the routine you fall into with someone, i love knowing they will be there when I'm too afraid to ask.

after this last heartache i have realized i have always been so focused on finding Mr right that i have never stopped to ask myself what is Mr wrong like? i mean all these Mr rights are really Mr. wrongs...
so why not?

i will share my journey with you.... ha ha OK fine I'm going to sit here and make fun of all these guys who i have no idea how i got talked into taking a chance and dating.

who knows it could be fun