My plea

The further I move, the more I grow... I'm still held back by the past. A past that I need to close and have tried, but all my efforts met with a closed door. This is my silent plea A plea that all I wish is to have a final goodbye. To apologize and be able to move forward without looking back I can admit we werent right and since us have become the person I've never thought I could be. I finally found what I had always needed and wanted. Maybe it's wrong that I need a final conversation, but I'd like to be given a chance I want to rewrite the ending and make it better so that when I see you it's not as bad... Please hear my plea

Longtime in the makings

For so long I have wanted peace To know that somehow it would all die down Yet somehow my efforts for peace and forgiving have done nothing but start new fires. Yes, I made mistakes. I believe we all have. I wasn't in a good place and was so hurt to be losing so much and have no control over my life. I was hurt, I tried to heal to move on but my heart was still broken. I had leaned on someone who I thought would be there and would help keep me safe. I found out that she had been my friend as well as his and I thought I could be ok with it. Then I saw the photos of her redecorating the house I had called a home with him. I never asked her what was going on and that may have been my biggest mistake. I jumped to conclusions and never thought that there may be an explanation. I know I hurt her by judging and thinking I knew what was going on. Now it's at a point where I believe what's done and done, there are two sides to every story, why did I freak out? Why didn't she tell me? Why didn't he want to help me? How could you be there for me and then throw me away??? Nothing I've done has been right and maybe it never will be but can my white flag be seen or are we all too far gone? I want peace and have no idea where to start I'm so sorry for all the wrongs I've done please give me a chance to explain May we all hae learned from this and realize two wrongs don't make a right From here on out my white flag is up Please let me know it's been seen

Your just somebody who i used to know.......

Your just somebody who i used to know....

your just somebody, but your not me and I'm not you.
i never thought this is where my life would be, or how unexpected things would get.

i have never thought that another year would go by and I'm right back where i started

i try to tell myself that this time ill  be stronger and i wont have as many bad days as i will good. that the good days out weigh the bad.

i guess when we our little we think we will be married by 22 and kids at 25 and that that's old... yet i feel like this is where and when my life is starting.

i feel safe on my own, i know i will be stronger, i know i will be happy, i know the people in my life will always be in my life.

i still want that moment where you just know its all going to be OK, you see that person your eyes lock and its done....... finished. you just know and you both fight to keep that feeling... that feeling of knowing whatever comes your way you will stand together. i want my somebody not just somebody that i used to know. i want to know when we are together the world is ours

i want that kiss in the rain like breakfast at Tiffany's, and yet i don't want the rain.. i want that moment in time where you realize how stupid you've been and how much fighting you've done just too be OK and then you realize that the person who you've pushed away is worth everything and more.

we are taught to find happiness in someone else and i want to believe that with everything in me, but maybe that stupid saying about loving yourself before someone else can love you is true....

I'm glad you are somebody who i used to know and for that thank you.... but i will not let you take away my dreams and hopes of finding my somebody

love letter

this is my apology

i am sorry for all the wrongs i have done

i am sorry for the lessons i didn't learn

i am sorry for the lies Ive told

i am sorry for the pain Ive caused

i may never have the words to express how sorry i am, how wrong i may have been...

but i hope you listen and can see two wrongs don't make a right

i am sorry for doubting

i am sorry for believing

i am sorry for loving

i am sorry for not listening

i am sorry i gave up

i am sorry for thinking i could leave you out of the loop

i am sorry i put myself second

i am sorry i gave up my girls night

i am sorry i fell in to the pattern

i am sorry i went 0 to 60

i am sorry we can never be what we were

i hope one day you can forgive me and you can see how good we were, that at the end of the day we were best friends, i am sorry i freaked out.

you were my rock, think and thin you were there. i understand why you did it and am so sorry you had to deal with me on a slippery slope. it wasn't fair to ask you to be there when you had so many doubts.

thank you for being there, i wish i could put into words how much you being there meant and means to me, i hope one day you find someone who can be there like you were for me. i am truly blessed to have shared so much with you. you were the best thing to ever happen to me and i will always love you.

you are the most amazing person. i am so sorry i didn't give you full disclosure and that i let fear get in my way.... you deserve amazing, you deserve 100%

i hope you find it

i hope maybe one day we can be friends

know you will always be in my heart and that you gave me my wings

Learning

These last few months have kicked my ass.....

i sit here in my own little place and miss him... i miss us.

i keep telling myself it will get better and to keep myself busy, and yet at the end of the day i miss him.

since January i have tried everything to keep my mind off of him, i mean i even started working out!!!! i tried to stay away from town thinking my little prision would sheild me from the bad fall out. I have worked extra hours gone to bed early and met new people..

i come back to a feeling ive never had and i wish i had locked it up in a bottel..... its that amzing feeling of knowing they are there. good or bad you can curl up and know they will help make it ok.... that after a long day seeing them smiles makes it all worth it.its those butterflies or having your breath catch... that wanting nothing more then to see them happy.

i miss it, i miss us

if i could change one thing it would have been to listen. i am a bad listener i go 0 to 60 and think everyone can keep up. i am unsure until i am sure. i am always changing always learning, always trying. i feel bad that anytime he may have said something i would take it as something else, i am sad that it wasnt a romace where your life isnt complete without the other. im sad it was one sided

somehow everything i have ever gone through has never prepared me for this silence. this peace... or trying to be at peace, i have never sat and learned to be ok with myself unti now.

my prision is becoming a safe heaven, a place to call my own. not my dream just mine for now. its a place where i can sit and be me. i can spend time to ask myself the things ive never wanted to ask.


i am so excited to learn and grow, but i dont know if i will ever be able to be ok with whats happened and that i had to go through it alone. i am trying to be positive and know everything happens for a reason, and that maybe its beeter for them not being there or being my crutch and that i survivied and i did it alone........'

i may never be the same but a part of me will never change and its something worth fighting for

i will be ok, i always am... just need to keep learning.... and be around amazing people

Denial

Denial (also called abnegation) is a defense mechanism postulated by Sigmund Freud, in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence

So since my last Mr. Wrong, I have thought OK i can move on i can do this... "i think i can, i think i can" Yet i can't i feel like i have been holding on to this hope that just maybe if i stayed and tried he would come around, he'd come back to me after he cleared his mind... maybe he just needed space.

Finally it hit me, he has no interest he isn't wanting to talk, he really wants me out and I'm sitting here like a sad puppy who has nothing better to do then wait around.

isn't the first step of recovery admitting you have a problem?
i have a problem, i have been in denial that mr. wrong and i are really done.
so the first step in my recover is to move out.

Pebbles my new roomie and i have been searching high and low to find a perfect little place, one that is safe has a little yard for my fluffy babies and most of all 2 bathrooms!
we looked at a few places before i announced "i cannot live in the ghetto... i don't know how"  we drove around and finally found something we thought we might love.... house hunting is worse then a job interview!

as i drove around thinking this is what i needed to do it hit me. Mr. Wrong and i are really done, he can date other women, no need to check in, can say or do whatever he wants... wow we're done.
i have been clinging onto what we had, the laughs we shared, the memories we made, how he makes my heart melt when he smiles, how he is the only person i know who will lay on the couch in his hockey gear or skate circles around the house, how he was the first person i respected enough to listen when he said i was wrong...

There is a part of me that wishes we had had a big fight or there was another girl... but we were too amazing for that... too easy going..
it leads me to this, i want more. I loved him like i have never loved. Don't i deserve to know what happen? don't i deserve to have someone love me the way i love them? I am admitting i have been in denial, not wanting to accept that we are really done. then i started looking at houses and realized my life is still there... its calling my name. it is time to get off the couch and move on maybe try something new. I have to start somewhere

my recover steps.
#1 find a place
#2 try something new (like a day with someone i never thought I'd long for)
#3 to love myself
#4 remember that the heartache I've felt will be worth it
#5 never stop fighting for what i deserve
#6 never give up
#7 more girls night
#8 never look back
#9 embrace the life i have been given
#10 admit what i need
#11 never doubt true love

life

I feel like we are always looking to someone else to make us happy or to find our home in this big world.
but what if maybe dating, relationships and friends make us realize who we are. what we want what we don't want.

so let me catch you up. i am the girl who gives 100%, the girl that your friends would say i want a girl who treats me like that. for the last few years i have gone to great lengths to make these guys happy, I'm talking about leaving my beautiful west coast and moving to new Mexico, putting up with these crazy families who had it out for me, who would take " i don't want to talk about our future' as a sign to keep trying?  i would find out he cheated and say oh really?' oh your not over you ex you still have her diamonds...OK just move them. then the most recent, well we moved in together after really dating for a big 7 days, it was beautiful steady, loving, fun, full of life and mostly never a dull moment. he was even so thoughtful that when my mom had surgery he went to the hospital with me...the first time he said "i love you" was on valentines day with two dozen red roses. i thought for sure he was the one. We had it all. How can you be so happy and have grown so much just to hear him say "i just don't know" oh great you don't know if you love me or not after over a year......

so now I'm sitting in his guest room asking myself was the change worth it? was thinking i had found Mr right worth everything i dealt with????

I've been sitting here thinking that as we grow up we learn certain things, how to act, when to smile, when to cry to get our way, and how if you ever want to make it you never take no for an answer. When is enough enough?

why cant it be easy, you met a person fall in love and its done??

so now i am taking a vow to not be in a relationship, I'm going to date. I'm going to find out what i want and what i don't want. that's harder then it sounds since i love the routine you fall into with someone, i love knowing they will be there when I'm too afraid to ask.

after this last heartache i have realized i have always been so focused on finding Mr right that i have never stopped to ask myself what is Mr wrong like? i mean all these Mr rights are really Mr. wrongs...
so why not?

i will share my journey with you.... ha ha OK fine I'm going to sit here and make fun of all these guys who i have no idea how i got talked into taking a chance and dating.

who knows it could be fun