life

I feel like we are always looking to someone else to make us happy or to find our home in this big world.
but what if maybe dating, relationships and friends make us realize who we are. what we want what we don't want.

so let me catch you up. i am the girl who gives 100%, the girl that your friends would say i want a girl who treats me like that. for the last few years i have gone to great lengths to make these guys happy, I'm talking about leaving my beautiful west coast and moving to new Mexico, putting up with these crazy families who had it out for me, who would take " i don't want to talk about our future' as a sign to keep trying?  i would find out he cheated and say oh really?' oh your not over you ex you still have her diamonds...OK just move them. then the most recent, well we moved in together after really dating for a big 7 days, it was beautiful steady, loving, fun, full of life and mostly never a dull moment. he was even so thoughtful that when my mom had surgery he went to the hospital with me...the first time he said "i love you" was on valentines day with two dozen red roses. i thought for sure he was the one. We had it all. How can you be so happy and have grown so much just to hear him say "i just don't know" oh great you don't know if you love me or not after over a year......

so now I'm sitting in his guest room asking myself was the change worth it? was thinking i had found Mr right worth everything i dealt with????

I've been sitting here thinking that as we grow up we learn certain things, how to act, when to smile, when to cry to get our way, and how if you ever want to make it you never take no for an answer. When is enough enough?

why cant it be easy, you met a person fall in love and its done??

so now i am taking a vow to not be in a relationship, I'm going to date. I'm going to find out what i want and what i don't want. that's harder then it sounds since i love the routine you fall into with someone, i love knowing they will be there when I'm too afraid to ask.

after this last heartache i have realized i have always been so focused on finding Mr right that i have never stopped to ask myself what is Mr wrong like? i mean all these Mr rights are really Mr. wrongs...
so why not?

i will share my journey with you.... ha ha OK fine I'm going to sit here and make fun of all these guys who i have no idea how i got talked into taking a chance and dating.

who knows it could be fun